SAT考场11分考生优秀作文点评

下面这篇文章是考场作文，得分11分。这位学员的优点是思路清晰，两个例子都十分切题，而且细节充实到位。我们看具体的解析：

开头段：

believe leaders should follow their own convictions instead of submitting to the public.

直接提出自己的观点。

The reason is that leaders usually have more insightful opinions which can promote the society and benefit the majority. Because they are leaders, they have the ability to lead us to a goal, they should follow their own will instead of manipulated by ours.

这一部分是这个开头比较有亮点的地方。虽然语言上不能说出彩，但是对于题目的分析是十分到位的，明确地在提出了自己的观点之后说出了自己持有这一观点的原因。

The examples of South Africa’s civil leader Mandela and the former CEO of Apple Corporation can demonstrate my point of view.

引出下文的例子。

在开头段的写作中，根本的目的无非是把观点拿出来。但是很多同学感到迷茫的是在拿出观点之后要说些什么。这位同学的做法就是值得借鉴的。不需要多么复杂，出彩的语句，重要的是去对自己的观点进行分析，说明自己持有观点背后的原因。这样的逻辑分析，既能够展现自己的critical thinking，同时也是为下文中进行例子的描写做好了铺垫。整篇文章会显得更加紧凑和前后呼应。

主体段一：

Social leaders, no matter how public’s reaction, should follow their own wills in order to reach the goal that will benefit all of us. Take South Africa’s leader Mandela for example.

点明所用例子的领域，为了下文中表现不同领域的例子层次做出铺垫。

He was well-known for his leadership on civil right before he was incarcerated and had lots of supporters. However, after 27 years in jail, he was released as an old man, he still wanted to lead the South African people to overcome the segregation. Most people at that time told him to give up this goal and tried to persuade him to enjoy his life instead of working so hard for the people. Some of them even sarcastically said then Mandela was too old to lead the whole country and did not have the ability to be a leader.

交代事件的时代背景，并且明确指出public opinion是什么。对public opinion的描写，是为了下面写主人公坚持做准备;写别人的误解和批评，更能体现主人公对自己的坚持。

Mandela, however, ignored all those public opinions and worked on his own will. He appealed to the world and all kinds of organizations to break the segregation. Regardless of his hard work, he still received negative persuasion from.

正式开始写主人公的坚持己见。在这个过程中又再次用遭到误解来体现坚持的难得。

But finally, after years of working and struggle, this great man finally achieve the goal, make the segregation and promoted harmony in the society, and gained people’s respect.

后的结果，即成功。

If he had listened to other’s opinion and given up, there will not be such an achievement nowadays. Thus leaders should follow their own convictions instead of listening to others.

进行逻辑假设和总结，强调领袖坚持己见的重要性。

本段的优点就在于对题目中各个关键词的体现。对大众的观点进行比较详细的描写，同时又用这种大众的观点来反衬主人公的坚持不懈。这个题目本身也比较简单，按照挑战权威的逻辑，用可以作为leader的主人公来写就没有大问题的。但是要把这种简单的题目写好，细节是否能够做到充实就非常体现差距了。

主体段二：

Besides in society, a leader in business can also make brilliant decisions for their companies, whether how ridiculous those opinions seem to be to others. That is why leaders in business should follow their own decisions.

呼应上一个主体段，点出两个例子之间领域的差异，体现层次感。

As a former CEO in Apple company, Steve Jobs exposed to research on their own computer system instead of following the Microsoft’s, which was objected by the whole company. What’s worse, Steve Job’s was even kicked out from his company.

逻辑和上一个主体段没有什么区别，还是先陈述他人的观点是什么。

Nevertheless, in the meantime, Jobs didn’t forget his goal. After years of persistence, his regained his opponents’ respects by showing them his own Mac system, which in some way more superior and efficient than Microsoft’s. Thus, Steve Jobs led the whole company on the Mac system and sold them on the market. Nowadays, we can see how popular Apple computers are and how many people fond of using Mac system instead of Microsoft.

乔布斯的坚持和后的成功，细节体现。

Jobs’ decisions prove to be right and lucrative. Therefore, we can conclude that a leader should indeed follow their own wills no matter what others say.

总结论证。

和上一段相比，本段的叙事逻辑和顺序没有什么变化。对于他人的观点的叙述没有上一段那么的具体，但是在已有第一个主体段的高质量作为**的前提下，也无伤大雅。

结尾段：

From the two cases, it can be concluded that a leader should follow their own decisions and opinions no matter in business or in politics.

结尾段，首先对全文进行总结，且是在上文的两个领域间的层次进行总结。

In general, in all fields in our lives leaders should do the same because they are leaders, they have better decisions than ordinary people, thus they should indeed follow them but not listening to others’.

这个结尾的亮点，在于对于前文的两个领域进行进一步的扩充，将简单的两个领域扩充到了生活中的所有领域。这样的扩充虽然也不能说十分的完善，但是已经能够看出作者对于自己所用的逻辑的准确把握。

这个结尾段，也值得大家借鉴。前文虽然有两个不同领域这样的层次(这种不同领域的层次也是大家写作的时候常用的)，但是经不起推敲——这个世界上只有这两个领域吗?所以如果能在结尾去把这个小漏洞给补上，文章会显得更无懈可击。

总的来说，这是一篇非常典型的11分的文章。首先对题目的把握到位，对自己的critical thinking有所体现，对题中的每个关键词都运用了充实的细节，后也做到了将自己的论述推广为general knowledge。美中不足的是，文中有一些包括单词拼写、词性搭配等一些小的语法错误的瑕疵。如果作者能够减少这些不必要的错误的出现，并一定程度上增加长难句的出现频率，这篇文章是有实力冲击满分的。